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So this 12-13 minute communications training mentor session from FindAMentor, is a quick explanation of what process to follow when you have to do a tough talk, difficult or crucial conversation. I’m Mike Garska the founder of FAM.
Why is being really good at communicating so important? Why does Warren Buffet say this? “if want to be worth 50% more than you are right now, hone your communication skills”. In order to move into any leadership position we have to be good at influencing others to do good or great. That’s done with masterful communication technique. And as a leader you’re going to have to do many tough talks. Avoiding them only makes things worse most often. Not doing them effectively has the same result.
It can make life very stressful as a leader, if you can’t navigate a tough conversation on the fly, or even at all, to a win-win outcome. Have you ever cringed and worried about having to do a difficult conversations? What words d o I use? What if they react bad? When is the best time to do it? Is it even worth it? I say it most often is.
What would it be like if you knew exactly what to say when those situations arise? Imagine having the confidence and ability to navigate those situations to the outcome you want? Well, today, I’m going to share 5 things you need to do, to get the outcome you want in any difficult conversation. First, I’ll list them and then go into a little detail of each. They are:
- Get self aware. Know your human interaction process. Your HIP
- Plan your talk. Be prepared.
- When you start your talk, quickly share your experience, and then focus on seeking first to understand the other person, their HIP about the situation, then to be understood. And go next level here; Seek first to validate and then to be validated.
- Look for common intentions. Focus on them and you’ll find resolve, especially when both people have been validated and are both clear on common intentions.
- Follow up. Do it again.
Okay so lets go through how to do each one.
- Get self aware. Know your human interaction process. Your HIP in relation to the experience or situation. So, in case you haven’t watched other video’s and don’t know the human interaction process.
The HIP happens for every individual whenever we interact with another. We both go through this process multiple times in a conversation. Its automatic, just like breathing. And its unique for each of us just like DNA.
Its a 5 step process we all do, all day long. 1st we sense something, One of our 5 physical senses kicks in. Usually, we see and hear things when communicating, but any sense can trigger an interaction. Then 2, a feeling is triggered. Sometimes very subtle, but there’s always a feeling. Then 3, and usually almost simultaneously with the emotion, a thought process is triggered. From there, we gain intention. We want something to happen and/or we don’t want something to happen. And with that intention, we choose our action or reaction. So before engaging, get self aware. ………………….
What happened. What did you see or hear, or taste or smell, or physically feel, Maybe someone touches you on the shoulder and that triggered the process? Then get clear. How did it make you feel? What are your thoughts about it. What do you want and what don’t you want? And finally, how are you going to choose to act or respond? So now we’re clear on what’s going on for us in this situation.
- Plan your talk. Write down what happened for you. Write your whole HIP process. Senses, what did you hear and see, how did it make you feel. What are your thoughts and perceptions about it. What do you want and what don’t you want. Then after all this. write down, seek first to understand. You want to quickly find out, once you start the conversation, What is his or her HIP is. and make a bullet list so you remember to ask about each part, when actually doing the tough talk. Write Sense, feel, think, want, don’t want. Take your plan with you to the conversation so you remember to get everything out. But before you do the conversation, run it by a communications mentor. Someone you know that has a track record of navigating difficult conversations to win-win outcomes, so both people feel resolved.
Okay so step 3. When you start the conversation, Make sure your focus is ‘Seek first to understand’ the other person’s HIP about the situation, then to be understood. Its one of Stephen Covey’s 7 habits of highly effective people. To start a conversation, break the ice with something light and common. Once you’ve broken the ice, open the conversation by sharing the first 2 or 3 parts of your HIP. What you saw and heard, how you felt or thought. You might want to share more, and I often do, what you want and don’t want.
Then immediately move into seeking to understand mode. So, make sure you ask them and find out exactly what they saw and heard, how it made them feel, what thoughts it triggered in them, and what they want and don’t want. It’s simple, ask about their HIP.
And remember this very important tip. Don’t expect them to have the same reaction as you. They are a different person with a unique HIP response. What ever it is, its real for them. Don’t negate it or minimalize it. accept it as their reality and valid to them.
This brings me to the next level of seeking first to understand. Why do we want to understand. So the other person feels validated. Do you like to feel like your thoughts and emotions, whatever they are, are valid. Yes or yes. Of course. We all do.
So, take this next level. Seek first to validate and then to be validated. How do we do that? It’s a simple process if you’re asking about each part of their HIP response to the situation at hand. Here’s how it might unfold. So you saw that. Okay, I wasn’t looking that way. I didn’t see that. You did, so its valid. I’m clear. Or . Oh, you heard that. Wow. That’s not what I meant, but I get that’s what you heard. Okay. That’s valid. And so, you felt frustrated and unappreciated. Okay. I get that, I’m not going to take that way from you. Its not what I expected you to feel, but I accept your reaction for you. Its valid for you.
What were your thoughts about the situation. OH. Okay, I understand fully now. that’s valid. I get it. Now, what do you want? Okay. What don’t you want? Okay, I understand that.
So you see, when we ask about their HIP, we get five chances to validate them and actually get them saying yes as we clarify their HIP in that effort to understand. When we seek to understand, we get opportunity not only to validate, we get the other person moving towards a positive frame of mind and heart. Would you agree that getting someone to say yes a few times, in agreement, helps move things in a more positive direction most often? Yes or yes?
If you want to be able to do this HIP stuff on the fly, even in difficult situations, it’s good to practice daily, whenever you think of it, in the spur of the moment. Check in with self. What am I seeing, feeling, thinking, wanting. Right now. And also practice asking about other people’s HIPS when the opportunity presents, and it makes sense. Then, when you see potential conflicts, you’ll find it easier to discuss and process HIPS for each. Practice helps allot. I found it quite awkward at first when I learned it. It took practice to get proficient like anything worthwhile. It quickened the learning, practicing in groups.
Anyway, we get people saying yes at least 4 or 5 times in agreement as we clarify, validate and get things right on their HIP process. So now we’re ready to go to the next step.
- Look for common intentions. In the full 5 ½ hour CONTACT 20-20 course, we share information on primary and secondary intentions, so that people have more in depth understanding of this common intention process.
So, focus on common intentions and you’ll find resolve, especially when both people have been validated and are both clear on their wants and don’t wants. I will say
at work, its quite easy to get to a common intention focus. Let me show you.
We’re both here because we want to work. We want a job, so we can get paid so we can eat and sleep with a roof over our head. Right, right. There’s a common intention. We both want to keep our job and in order to do that, we have to provide good service to our customer. Right. Right. another common intention.
And I want you to keep this in mind. Everyone has a customer. Sometimes its an internal customer. A co-worker that’s relying on us. Right. Its till a customer that needs to be satisfied.
Okay so we both want to provide good service, so the company stays in business and we keep our job. Yes. Yes. Okay so what happened yesterday hindered that good service process. How do you propose we prevent it in the future. Here’s what I propose.
And remember, workplaces are kind of like dictatorships. In the end, what the boss says, we do. Ideally, we have a good boss who knows how to communicate really well and lead really well. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of leaders out there that aren’t so good at these things. If that’s your situation, you’ll have to lead the tough talks yourself at times. Use the HIP. makes sure they feel understood and validated and find those common intentions. Prepare yourself. Learn all the tips, tricks and shortcuts.
Okay, so the last thing you want to do in difficult situations is. and this is important!
- Follow up. Check in the next day. Hey, we had a sensitive conversation. How are you feeling about it today after thinking about it? Still the same. My thoughts haven’t changed. Or, you know, after thinking about what we talked about, I think we could do one more thing, or one less thing. What do you think? Following up is critical to relationship maintenance. Do it. Don’t forget. Put it in your calendar if you must, but make sure to do the follow up after any important conversation.
Okay so this has been a real quick short lesson on how to do a tough talk. Let’s recap
- get self aware. Know your Hip
- plan your talk be prepared run your plan by your communications mentor.
- Seek first to understand once you open the conversation. Ask about their Hip
- Uncover the common intentions to find resolve.
- Follow up. Check in next day after any important conversation.
There are many more details to consider when wondering how to do a difficult conversation, or a crucial conversation. Effective conversation word choice is key.
In CONTACT 20-20, you get a workbook, listing all the 120+ tools and tips, much more information on what words to use and what words not to use, and in what situations
We talk about Listening skills, body language, tone of voice. We talk about timing too. There’s allot of detail. If you’re already a good communicator. Doing what we tell you in CONTACT 20-20 will make you great.
And, as a FAM member you get it for only $29.95. there’s a discount code inbound welcome emails when you joined. Buy CONTACT 20-20 Training Now
It’s a very small price to pay for a huge investment in you. Its only a little over 5 hours of training. Hone your communication skills as Warren Buffet says. You’ll be worth twice as much as you are right now. All for the cost of a large pizza. What a deal.
There’s no risk. We offer a 30-day money back guarantee so if you’re not happy with the program, ask for your money back. You can’t go wrong. Click the link below now to sign up for CONTACT 20-20, and increase your worth, right now.
